at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
