I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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