dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
