How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
