nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
