the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
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I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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