Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
