i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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