I cockslap morals
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
