cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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