# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Randomize
