im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
