my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
