11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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