I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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