I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
