Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
