Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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