Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
