My Higher Power is John Stamos
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
There's even glitter on my cock...
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