nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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