I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
