piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
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i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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