i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Swine flu is the new snow day.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
