I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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