nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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