I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
