don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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