She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
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I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
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yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize