I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
