i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
