hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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