I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
