u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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