Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
