Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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