I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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