The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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