just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
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Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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