Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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