the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
