GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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