drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left an ass print on the piano.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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