You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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