i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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