Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
