So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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