Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
