Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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