she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
