Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
