For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
