my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
