if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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