I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
