Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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