apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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