Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
