I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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