I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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