i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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