Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
