I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
